


Shaking Hands with Opportunity

by seatbeltdrivein



Category: Fullmetal Alchemist
Genre: F/M, Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2011-03-13
Updated: 2011-03-13
Packaged: 2017-10-16 22:51:51
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 977
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/170251
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/seatbeltdrivein/pseuds/seatbeltdrivein
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Envy encounters a *small* problem in his grand master plan.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Shaking Hands with Opportunity

Envy watched the humans as he squirmed on the ground, nearly at the point of tears as his body faded away. The Fullmetal shrimp was crouched down, sorrow in his eyes. Just before Envy faded from existence, he looked up at the gathering of humans and thought, _Heh, just kidding, suckers_ – and reattached his disembodied soul to the form of one Edward Elric.

 _And now_ , he thought, watching everything unfold from behind gold eyes, _I just have to wait until I get close enough to a Stone so I can get my body and exact my revenge!_

The one thing Envy never accounted for was the possibly that the humans could _actually_ win.

*

Not even a year stuck inside that brat human's head, and Envy was wishing he really had killed himself.

Train rides were boring. When he'd been working directly under the man running the country, he hadn't had to ride on trains. He pretty much just did whatever the hell he wanted. Now? Now, he had to watch that stupid kid play solitaire for four hours straight to the soundtrack of sappy thoughts about that blond girl.

If ever there was a hell, Envy thought morosely, _this_ was it.

Two months, _two months_ they'd been travelling, and not a single interesting thing had happened. There were a few almost interesting things, like the time that male prostitute came onto the kid and the shrimp had reacted violently—by which Envy meant screaming like a five year old girl. Probably the best thing he'd seen in a while.

But _still._

A knock on the compartment door turned Ed's attention from the game, and Envy cheered. "We'll be arriving at the Resembool station in four minutes, sir."

Ed took his sweet time cleaning up the cards. It wasn't like he actually had any luggage or anything. The idiot had left it all at the last station—not a whole lot of it, just a suitcase full of clothes and that was about it. The little shit was _boring._

 _Look out the window_ , Envy demanded. _Damn you, I'd rather look at cows for the next three hours than have to stare at your hands for another second!_

As if on cue, Ed looked out the window. The view would have been tolerable if not for the rampant flow of mushy thoughts beading up in his host's mind, stupid sentimental things about family and possibly apple pies. The kid had an issue with priorities.

When the train stopped, Ed, much to Envy's eternal amusement, rushed to get off the train but stopped short when he caught sight of the blond girl out the window. Oh no. Then it wasn't so much rushing to get off as walking slow and acting cool, like he couldn't care less who was waiting for him.

"Ed!" The blond girl waved him over. She looked like she was thinking mushy thoughts too, possibly something about babies. Ed walked over and just sort of stared at her. When he said, "hi," his voice cracked.

In a deep and dark corner of Ed's mind, Envy sneered. _You're going to die a virgin._

But the blond girl took it all in stride. "Al called a few minutes before I left the house. He's going to be here tomorrow morning." She let that sink in for a moment before adding, "And Granny's doing an at-home call in another town. Until tomorrow morning." She ended that whammy of a sentence with a significant look and turned on her heel.

Ed choked on his own spit. Envy laughed.

Maybe it wouldn't be _so_ boring.

*

Envy wished for the tenth time that minute for eyes to roll. The moment the shrimp and his blond had gotten to the house, she hadn't even gotten halfway to mauling his host before a group of old ladies started banging on the door and demanding to see their little alchemist, all grown up, but hasn't he gotten tall! Why, they'd never thought—

And so on. Ed, mortified, had tried to run, but the blond was stuck on keeping _him_ stuck, so Ed stayed with the old ladies, playing catch up and 'who can pinch the boy's cheeks the most?'

Unfortunately, that meant Envy stayed as well.

 _Everything is shit_ , Envy said to Ed, wishing the brat could hear him. _Especially you._

Imagine Envy's surprise when Ed sat up straight, looked around frantically and said, "What? What's shit?"

The old ladies were not amused. They started squawking indignantly right about the time Envy pushed himself to the front of Ed's mind and howled, _You can hear me?!_

"I can hear you? Who?" Ed was standing, Envy could tell, and the old ladies were shrieking, and the blond girl was back in the room and _she_ was shrieking, too.

 _Oh_ , Envy thought gleefully, _this makes everything worth it._

"Makes what worth it?" Ed demanded. "Get out of my head!"

It took some effort, but Ed, in all his panic, managed to break himself away from the cluster of women and barricade himself into one of the backrooms of the house, locking the door before rubbing furiously at his eyes.

"All right." Ed began pacing the room, back and forth, four steps one way, four the other, as he shook his head and flailed his arms. "All right! It's nothing. it's—it's _stress._ "

 _No, it's not_ , Envy informed him. _You've just lost your mind, stupid midget._

Ed froze. "Even… even my subconscious is calling me short?"

 _I think I called you a bit more than short._

"You're lying," Ed said. "I've grown!"

 _Bah!_ Envy scoffed.

"Don't you talk shit to me!" Ed shouted at nothing in particular, stomping his feet.

It was in that moment that Envy realized he could very easily spend the rest of his doomed existence just like this.

Suddenly, life didn't look so dim.


End file.
